How are you, really?

On Monday I attended a workshop: “Courageous Conversations” hosted by the East-West Center in Hawaii. “Leaders are often called upon to facilitate meaningful, civil, and sometimes difficult conversations” – and these courageous conversations are more important than ever in an increasingly polarized and divisive society. I see courageous conversations as bridge-builders; the opposite of shaming / cancel culture.

In this workshop, we participated in facilitated conversations, in breakout rooms. We answered a series of questions, with time held for each person. We were instructed to draw a heart of a piece of paper, and hold it up if we felt the need to respond – but not to interrupt. The first question was brilliant – each person took 2 minutes to tell the story of their name. This is fun to answer, gives you the opportunity to focus on different parts of your name based on comfort levels, and fascinating to hear about – so much is learned through these stories, and we start out on an appreciative note. I will use this question for future student cohort orientations or other community building events.

We progressed through other questions, which eventually got meatier – Without talking about politics, what are the values that inform your political views? And – Talk about a time that you have experienced, when there were insiders and outsiders. Though the conversations never approached a need to be courageous per se, in less than an hour they set a tone of deep appreciation, caring, and like amongst the groups. The idea is that we will be more likely to listen respectfully to each other, and try to understand each others’ perspectives, if we truly value each other as individuals and as human beings.

I came away with a similar feeling from my PBL group as this iteration of ONL closes, a great admiration for the ways in which my peers are different, and a gratitude for the commonalities that brought us together. But I’ll talk more about that later. 😉

A brave space allows for “controversy with civility,” “owning intentions and impacts,” “challenge by choice,” “respect” and “no attacks”.

(NASPA, 2017. pp. 3-4) as quoted by NC State University’s Office for Institutional Equity & Diversity

I am left in a swirl of ideas – the ways this is so relevant, right now. Amongst all of the impossibly divided discourse, there are signs of a shift. I believe we are becoming ready to listen, to build bridges, to heal. We speak of ‘brave spaces’ (as opposed to safe spaces), there is increased attention to diversity, inclusion and equity, and social justice movements seem to finally be getting some traction. New ideas have emerged into the popular focus, like Brené Brown’s power of vulnerability, and Carol Dweck’s growth mindset.

I am thinking about Annika’s introduction of active listening into our PBL group, the importance of generosity in Indigenous cultures, and an Appreciative Inquiry approach to making change.

“At its heart, AI is about the search for the best in people, their organizations, and the strengths-filled, opportunity-rich world around them. AI is not so much a shift in the methods and models of organizational change, but AI is a fundamental shift in the overall perspective taken throughout the entire change process to ‘see’ the wholeness of the human system and to “inquire” into that system’s strengths, possibilities, and successes. ”

– Excerpt from: Stavros, Jacqueline, Godwin, Lindsey, & Cooperrider, David. (2015). Appreciative Inquiry: Organization Development and the Strengths Revolution. In Practicing Organization Development: A guide to leading change and transformation (4th Edition), William Rothwell, Roland Sullivan, and Jacqueline Stavros (Eds). Wiley as quoted by AI Commons

Back to Courageous Conversations. In our breakout room, one question cracked me wide open: It’s been a tough year. How are you, really? I was surprised to find myself in tears. In the past year, I’ve found many of my supports stripped away, and those I support have needed more from me. That morning, in a burst of inspiration, I had reached out to a career counsellor who had helped me years ago; I am overdue for a career transition and am trying desperately to claw my way out of workplace unhappiness. Her husband responded telling me she had died a few months ago. I was overcome with loss, both for the interesting, clever and kind woman I had come to know in a small way, but also for her role in my life. I felt abandoned.

This unexpected and uncharacteristic vulnerability (and the fact that I felt safe in it) made me realize two things: one, that there was power in the method developed by the workshop organizers, and two, that I need help. I am so bad at asking for help. That day, and in the days since, I have reached out to workplace and personal supports. I already feel a rallying around me. They won’t solve my core problem, but I hope to alleviate my exhaustion enough to find the strength to make the changes necessary.